Talking Gender Equality with Your Child in India (Especially Your Boys) #DueNormal

Why bother talking to children about Gender Equality?

Most of us were probably raised with the ingrained notions of gender roles – how fathers have to go to office and work hard for money and mothers have to cook yummy food, how brothers play cricket and sisters play with dolls. These stereotypes and roles continue to be enforced and re-enforced everywhere in homes, communities, apps, offices. These narrow notions and definitions end up shaping & warping our dreams & futures. These are the same kind of notions that create vulnerable girls prone to stigma and cruel boys who will rarely be held responsible. And then there are those who don’t fit into these (brackets). They will find themselves lost.

We need to create and normalize another kind of Indian childhood, one where the evil old notions of gender discrimination take a backseat to different set of notions- ones that respect the choices that all children make, that take into account the aspirations that they hold, that give due agency to every child, and where consent matters.

It is only fair to admit that our generation and the one after (the one with our younger siblings) have missed the boat. And now it is our responsibility to play the role of those progressive adults that most of us wish we were surrounded with in our childhood. We need to ensure that none of our children have to endure the indignity of living it up to dated stereotypes of the worst kind. It is not just about stronger girls & kinder boys, it is about tolerance, inclusion and freedom from regressive constraints.

The first step is to realise that Gender Equality is not a myth.

IIndia currently ranks 112 out of 153 countries in the Global Gender Gap Index. We can do better. There are several countries, even among developing nations who have successfully reduced the gender gap such as Rwanda & Nicaragua who are doing extremely well. If they can do it, so can we. Believing that you can make a difference is the first step towards engaging with the issue.

How to decode Gender Equality for our children?

1. Start from Home:

The only way you can truly encourage your children to think outside the binaries is by demonstrating how gender equality looks & manifests within your home set up. This is the template you are creating for your children to observe, reflect & potentially embrace as they grow.

Using the right words around children: If men in the house do domestic work don’t refer to it as men “helping” women in the household chores. Simply put – he is working in the house and keeping it clean. If a father is taking care of a child, don’t use the word “baby sitting” – he is simply taking care of his own child. What they hear in the home influences how they think & talk. Many children form their ideas of gender roles based on this. Thus its extremely important to choose our words carefully.

Also, check if what you are saying perpetrates gender stereotypes e.g. Telling an Effeminate boy, “Don’t walk like a girl”. Telling a girl with a coarse voice, “You have a voice like a man.”

Be conscious about how you talk to them: When you praise or reprimand your children reflect upon how you do it. Usually girls are praised for their clothes, looks or hairstyles, while boys are praised for being big. tough and independent. Girls are praised when they cook well, take care of the elders while boys are praised if they are good at sports.

Choice & Consequences: Most of the times we observe that boys get away with poor choices because the consequences are not as laid out for them as compared to girls. For e.g. if there is a boy who has the habit of snatching & hitting in a group play set up, the first reaction of the parents is to tell the girls not to go near him as he is aggressive. In most cases the girls would be asked to not play with him or to play elsewhere. This gives a wrong message to the boys that they can get away with aggression. Instead take the boy out of the group play & insist on him correcting his behaviour if he wants to return to the playground. The idea is for both the boys & the girls to understand that their choices will have consequences & the consequences should not be based on Gender.

Be a Role Model: One of the most important ways for children to learn about equity & equality around gender is seeing it in their immediate surroundings. Are the rules of the house same for men & women? Do women in the household use the tool box or fix the internet speed issue? Do men in the house do the dishes & laundry? Do both men & women in the house give each other space & respect each other’s choices? These are key questions to ask yourself & probably fix if they are not in order. Gender Equality should be a way of life. Children need to understand that this is not special, this is how it’s supposed to be.

Create A Gender Neutral Atmosphere: One of the most important message you need to convey to your children is that THINGS – toys, clothes, colours, gadgets etc don’t have gender. e.g. Blue is not the colour for boys, it is just another COLOUR out of many colours . Tell your child that many boys choose to wear different colours. Show your child a picture of a boy wearing a pink shirt. Encourage them to step out of the gender normative choices. Choose toys, water bottles, clothes & colours that are gender neutral and let them play with everything

2. Talking to the Men & Boys

The need to engage in conversation with our Men & Boys has been emphasized & reemphasized in the discourse on prevention of violence against women & children. Data shows that majority perpetrators of violence against women & children are men.

Many a times most boys lack comprehensive understanding of the issues they face during their adolescence. There could be confusions, dilemmas and questions in the minds of young boys. It is absolutely crucial to have a separate talk with the boys & men to educate them about how to navigate some of the issues they face:

• Help them recognise that they are privileged in comparison with girls, since the society is largely patriarchal. A simple exercise could be to ask them the basic things they can do which girls are generally not allowed to e.g. Coming back home late in the night with no one asking too many questions, hanging out at tea stalls with friends till midnight, getting away with not performing any domestic work etc. While there are a few girls who are allowed to do all of the above, explain to them that majority of the men & boys have these privileges. And with privilege comes responsibility.
• Address Body Image & Self Image Issues faced by Boys. Many boys grow up with wrong notions of how they are supposed to look & feel. This has a severe effect on their body image & self-image. It is crucial to have a conversation with young boys about their bodies & the issues they face due to their notions of how a perfect body is supposed to be. (You may find this video helpful)
• Talk About Sex & Sexual Feelings. Talk to them about Masturbation, Nightfall & Sexual Feelings. Explain that these are normal & a part of growing up. Give them the space to explore. Help them understand that while their sexual desires are valid but they should be careful not to harm anyone else emotionally or physically around them.
• Talk about Consent & the importance of Consent in relationships: This short video on Consent can be a kick starter for your conversion. Tell them that Consent is key at every stage in a relationship, especially in sexual relationships. If they are in doubt, ask them to double check with their partners and tell them they should never assume silence or a reluctant no as consent. Make sure to tell them how that consent applies in online spaces as well.
• Peer Pressure & How to Handle Peer pressure. Help them recognize that they are going to face tremendous pressure from their peers – the pressure could range from things like watching porn, working out for six pack abs, smoking, drugs. Help them navigate the pressure by asking them to critically think through situations – tell them that whenever they feel that they are in a situation when they are unsure, they need to take a pause, rethink, probably talk to someone else & then do what they feel like doing. Ensure you are a trusted adult in their lives and encourage them to share.
• Help them understand & Navigate romantic feelings: Explain to them that they should only be in healthy relationships where both the partners feel loved & cared for. The relationship is based on mutual consent & respect. It is important to help them navigate one sided love or breakups. Ask them not to harass a person or threaten a person if they are not interested in a relationship. Explain legal consequences if necessary. Ask them to handle break-ups with grace and not create a mess or harm for the partner who does not want to be with them.

3. Talking to Children who identify as LGBTQI+

Many parents could struggle if their child doesn’t identify with binary notions of gender. Your children could chose to express themselves differently from their biological sex. Click here for our post on Raising LGBT+ Sensitive Children in India.

4. Influences from Outside the Home

Although you might have created the perfect atmosphere inside your home to ensure that your children are raised with the right attitudes towards gender & equality, we do live in a society where gender inequality, sexism, rape culture, misogyny are rampant all around us.

So how do we ensure that our children don’t get lost of confused with the contradictory messages they receive from within their homes & outside.

• Dispel myths & gender stereotypes everyday with evidence: As a parent or a caretaker one has to go an extra mile to dispel myths almost on a everyday basis. For e.g. Why do only women come to our home & work as domestic helps? Why in a restaurant are all the waiters & servers men? Why do we only see men as drivers in autos, taxis, buses? As a parent one has to be extremely aware and conscious to ensure that children don’t end believing that the social status quos are a way of life. You may ask the above questions to children & see how they respond. If you think they have been taught gender stereotypes in school or are learning this from their peers, you need to bring in evidence that show them otherwise. Show them a picture of a man who is a chef, a picture of a man with long hair, a picture of women working in restaurants. The answer could be as simple as this is not in norm in many places, and we as a society need to catch up. You and your friends can change this needless status quo.
• Keep an eye out for what they watch & the content they consume: It is important to point out the issues with popular imagery that children may see every day around them. The only way to do this is by pointing out what’s not appropriate in the things they see, hear or watch. For e.g. while watching a series together if you see that a particular stereotype is being promoted you may ask the children, “why is this mom the one who is always making & serving dinner?” “Who is the strong person in the show?” “Who is the kind one?” “Who is a bully?” “Who is termed as “sexy” or “a geek”? This way you will help them identify the problems in popular imagery & challenge it. You may also use current issues or films to start a discourse on gender equality For e.g. Why is Vidya Balan, a rocket Scientist in Mission Mangal, always seen during household work before she goes to office or after she comes back from office, why is her husband not seen doing anything? Do you agree with what Neha Dhupia said during the Roadies show? What do you think of the term ‘FemiNazis’ that your favorite youtuber is using in his videos? Do note that as children become older, they become more secretive & you might not be able to monitor what they watch online. However if you help them critically think and question from a young age, the hope is that they will reject content that is derogatory.
• Know who the influencers in their lives are: It is important to have an open channel of communication with your children to understand who are the influencers they follow online and offline. The sooner you start this conversation the better. Also it is important to drop the judgement while asking children about this. You might find out that your son follows a bunch of YouTubers who trash talk women, or your daughter has a teacher who is extremely conservative in her outlook. Be patient & engage in this discourse. If you outright reject the influencers in their lives, there are chances of children becoming more secretive & hiding things from you.

5. Helping them understand that they can make a difference

Children need to be told that they can make a difference in the lives of their friends & to the larger society if they are aware of the gender inequalities & injustices around them. Encourage children to call out everyday sexism or misogyny among the peer group, help them voice their opinion if someone in the family breaks a rule about gender roles. Ask them to help out a friend who is being bullied in school, ask them to be brave & bold. Do mention that they might not succeed every time they raise their voice against gender inequalities, however it is important that they never stop.

Thank you for reading. Click here to read more in this series.