Raising LGBT+ Sensitive Children in India #DueNormal
First of all, thank you for considering having this conversation with your child. If you haven’t considered yet, you are not alone. Thank you for at least giving it a thought.
Culturally, where even talking about heterosexuality makes us awkward, bringing up issues around homosexuality and sensitizing our children on LGBT+ may seem cringier. But silence comes with the risk of misinformation, homo/trans negativity & stereotypes among children.
With the reading down of IPC section 377, we are bound to see more representation not just in movies and series but in our communities and workspaces. Chances are that some of our children’s close friends may come out as LGBT+. It is important to empower our children to explore and understand their own sexuality and also to be an ally of the others who are LGBT+. Parents need to create an environment that embraces curiosity, normalizes differences, and encourages respect. While at it, it is also important to enagage in self-reflection and self-education.
This is not to be the expert in the subject but to prepare ourselves better & some of it may actually be really interesting for you. For example:
Did you know, why rainbow flag became a symbol of LGBT+ people?
It was popularized as a symbol of the gay community by San Francisco artist Gilbert Baker in 1978. The different colours are often associated with “diversity” in the gay community and also have literal meanings.
Why are LGBT+ people referred to as ‘queer’?
Queer originally means “strange” or “peculiar”. With the advent of queer movement in the west activists began to reclaim the word as a deliberately provocative and politically radical alternative to the more assimilationist branches of the LGBT community. Now, queer means anyone who feels different from their assigned sex or gender. The agency of identifying as queer lies with the individual.
What is pride parade?
Pride parade is typically a rally by LGBT+ people and allies for celebrating social and self-acceptance, achievements, legal rights, and pride.
And here is that one uncomfortable question that many of you might have been contemplating. Will talking about this turn my children gay/trans?
Don’t worry. Information and open communication only makes children more aware. Nobody can choose to be gay/trans if they are really not. Instead, honest communication helps children navigate their sexuality in a healthier, safer manner.
As you proceed with your child, it can be anxiety provoking. The key is to always remember your intention behind why you are doing what you are doing. That can be your anchor throughout the process.
1. Use current events to talk
To break the ice, use the recent Bollywood movies, web series with gay characters, ad campaigns with rainbow themes, or anything relevant to initiate a conversation with your child. Ask them what their understanding of LGBT+ is. Find out the accuracy of their understanding and more about the subject together. Co-learning can be a way to legitimize the information without any biases. But opt for trustworthy resources. For example Orinam.
For younger children, you may introduce books, cartoon movies with LGBT+ characters. Try to share age-appropriate information. Younger children may understand why two guys are holding hands, but may not be able to handle complex issues like why there is no legal protection to gay couples or how sexual attraction works.
2. Give the LGBT+ community a face.
The Power of Representation
The Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code (IPC) is an act that used to criminalize homosexuality. The years of legal advocacy to repeal section 377 had seen its own ups and downs. Menaka Guruswamy, one of the lead advocates who worked on decriminalising homosexuality, said “In 2013 a smaller panel of judges in Indian supreme court upheld the law. We were stuck by one question by the senior justice in the court…he asked the govt lawyer, ‘do you know any homosexual person?’, to which he replied, ‘ I am not that modern my lords!” Clearly the court didn’t know of any ‘homosexuals’.
So in April 2016, Guruswamy along with a team of lawyers filed a petition on behalf of five LGBT petitioners challenging the constitutionality of Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code. This was followed by many other Indian queer people filing petitions with their real identities. First hand real life experiences of desi queer people entered the court rooms in India. They weren’t unknown anymore.
Finally in 2018, Court ruled unanimously that Section 377 was unconstitutional. This is the power of representation & telling the stories of people by the people.
Are there Indian gay people? How do they look? Are they like us?
Children also have many such queries & curiosities. Share your personal experiences of interacting with LGBT+ persons or any queer person that you look up to. That can be a friend, a colleague, a social activist, or even a celebrity. If you have a close friend or relative who is LGBT+ and is comfortable talking about their life, ask them to talk with your child.
It can be as simple as a person describing how they came out to their friends or family. The idea is to normalize the existence of queer people around us. But make sure you don’t reveal anyone’s sexuality without their consent.
Ask your child if they know anyone who identifies as LGBT+. Again, make it clear that your children shouldn’t reveal any of their friend’s orientations without their consent. Also, they shouldn’t assume anyone’s sexuality. Remind them that an individual is the best expert on their own orientation.
3. Unlearn & Learn
Anything that is stigmatised or silenced for long, carries a lot of speculations, myths and stereotypes. Help your child see the facts.
- No, if we support gays not everyone will turn up to be gay.
- No, being gay is not a choice.
- Every effeminate boy can’t be assumed to be homosexual.
- Not all transgenders are Hijras.
The list is long. Take help from here & here. As you burst these myths, help your child recognise the difference between opinion and truth. For example- If someone says ‘I don’t think gay people can be close friends.’- is this completely true? Are there people who are close friends with gay people?
Explore with your child if it’s the truth or a personal opinion. Remind them personal opinions are subjective and can be challenged.
4. Addressing the Sex in Sexuality
This can be awkward and confusing. Questions may range from ‘What kind of genitals do hijra people have?’ to ‘How can gay couples have babies?’. Remember you don’t need to be an expert of all. If you don’t know the answer or aren’t comfortable in discussing it right then & there, it is okay to tell that to your child. Take help from someone else or any other resource.
5. Mind the Language
Don’t let the terminologies get in your way.
Sexuality is a spectrum, its understanding and definitions are ever-evolving. As much as we have to be mindful of not mis-gendering or mis-defining people, remember terminologies/political correctness of language shouldn’t be a hindrance in your interactions with children. What is important is that we practice empathy and respect in our communication.
Casual name calling & swear words.
Another way language influences how we perceive LGBT+ community is the casual use of identities as swear words or using them for name-calling. When we abuse someone as gay, hijra, chakka, lesbo, meetha, sissy, faggot, pause and reflect that some of these are real identities for some people, and some of these are mere insensitive caricatures of those identities. We don’t realize how the casual use of these can be hurtful, offensive for people and sends out a wrong message.For example- casually telling a male friend ‘Don’t be a sissy’ if they apply face cream, or mocking a girl saying ‘you look like a lesbo in short hair’ or calling a boy gay for making TikTok videos.
This may not hurt your friend but someone around can be cautious of expressing their sexuality and the message that your vocabulary is sending out is that it’s not okay to be effeminate or homosexual. Discourage children from casual name calling.
6. No place for Homo/trans-negativity.
Take up responsibility
From the mental health perspective, ‘phobia’ is termed as disorder which implies that an individual doesn’t have any control over it. That’s not true when it comes to oppression of marginalized communities. We do have control over our actions and how we treat queer people. It is more accurate to use the term ‘homo/trans negativity.’ We need to teach our children to take up the responsibility of their actions or words if they express any sort of queer negativity.
Do people get discriminated because of their gender or sexual identity?
Yes. There are many layers to this. Many queer people hide their sexuality in fear of discrimination & try to blend into heteronormative setups. But it isn’t possible for everyone, especially trans people. They are often denied jobs, shelter, social support. Workplace discrimination, bullying in educational institutes is still evident. Online hate and bullying of queer people isn’t an uncommon scene.
Queer people make me uncomfortable(Fear/anger). Explore ‘why’?
Humanizing queer people is essential. They are as good as non-queer people, and as bad as non-queer people. So is our discomfort with the person or their sexuality? If it is their sexuality, lifestyle, appearance or their choices, then its time delve deeper into our own insecurities. If you find your child to be queer-negative, have a conversation with them. Mostly it can be dealt with facts, context and real-life narratives of queer people. But if their homo/trans-negativity results in bullying, hate speech, harassment of other people, have a zero tolerance policy. Let them know it’s hurtful and inappropriate.
Call out homo/trans-negativity in real life situations.
In the popular culture queer-negativity is perpetuated through humour. Call out homo-negativity in your real-life situations in front of your child. Express your discomfort if you see a gay character is caricatured in a movie or a relative cracks a loose joke on transgenders. If it isn’t possible to address it immediately, make sure you express your feelings later to your child and encourage them to share their feelings.
How do we make our homes inclusive?
As discussed above using appropriate language and keeping an eye out to queer-negative behaviour, should be a primary practise at home.
A home free from Heteronormativity
Heteronormativity is the belief that heterosexuality and the roles that heterosexuals play is the norm. Queer people fall out of heteronormativity by default. As much as heteronormativity gives some people safety and direction, its absence can actually be a relief. Imagine a home without any forced gender roles, sex hierarchy, not considering marriage as a solution of everything and where everyone feels accepted.
Start small, go big.
Religion & queer sexuality can coexist
Most Indian families are religious and interestingly the LGBT+ folks have been part and parcel of our Indian tradition from several hundred years. LGBT topics are discussed in Arthashastra, Manusmriti and several regional folklore and great epics such as Mahabaratha. You can start by telling your children the stories of Vishnu/Mohini, Shikhandi, Arjuna/ Brihannala.
Queering the space
Keep queer books in the house, or a small rainbow mandala at a corner. This is to make your house feel homely for everyone.
8. Creating queer affirmative spaces
Reassure your children that they can come to you with anything. There is possibility that children may share about their gender or sexual identity. Make them feel safe and supported.
As you create safe spaces for your children, introduce the importance of safe spaces for vulnerable people and how they can contribute in creating safe spaces for them. A safe space typically includes boundary, privacy, trust, communication and support for each other. Even while exploring their sexuality, if they feel any of this is violated, they can always come back to you and share. Safe spaces for queer people should always be affirmative to their identities, experiences and feelings.
9. Dealing with peers
A child’s beliefs are influenced by their peer and contemporary role models. Help your child prioritize their values, beliefs, relationships in life. But also give them the perspective that someone’s unawareness doesn’t make them a bad person.
People take time to come to terms of certain things. So that shouldn’t be a ground to evaluate friendships. Empower them by saying that as they are aware first, they should now help their friends to be aware and responsible.
10. Putting it up in a perspective- The Legal, The Cultural & The Moral
This can be confusing for younger children. If your child asks if two men can marry? Tell them ‘Yes’. If they are older you can explain that marriage wouldn’t be considered legal for the time being, but that can’t discredit the authenticity of the relationship.
Our perception of morality is shaped by our religious, social-cultural beliefs & law of the land. Often what is moral may not be religiously, socio-culturally & legally appropriate for the time being and vice versa.
When they ask questions about certain grey areas like gay marriage, talk about other things that we do in our daily life which may not completely adhere to our religious or social-cultural history.
Tell them that the legalization of many other rights of queer persons is still in the process. The current illegality of same-sex marriage or adoption doesn’t trivialize same sex relationship or their capability as parents, just as the absence of legal protection doesn’t give a free license to discriminate or bully them.
11. Creating alternative experiences
Go to a pride-walk or a relevant age-appropriate queer event with your child if possible. There is nothing like spending a few house in a LGBT+ sensitive and inclusive environment. Spending an evening at a celebrations of alternatives can be a memorable, eye-opening & empowering moment for your child.
You can also screen a child-friendly movie with LGBT+ characters in a family/friends gathering like any other usual movie night.
12. It is an on-going process
A one-time conversation may not serve your purpose. Your child’s response can overwhelm you at times. You may feel inadequate in explaining some aspects. Certain questions can be triggering for you. This is the time you need to hold on your anchor and remember why you are doing what you are doing.
You are not alone in this.
Thank you for reading. Click here to read the rest of this series.
