What not to say while discussing sexual abuse
The year 2018 saw candid and courageous revelations of victims of sexual abuse. As social media outgrows traditional media, individuals prefer online mediums to share their experiences. That helped more people to engage in conversations around sexual abuse.
What is sad to note during these conversations is that some prejudices and misogynies are deeply rooted in the society- ‘men will be men’, ‘girls should be careful’, ‘eve-teasing is romantic’ etc. It is almost surreal how many of us are completely unaware that we constantly perpetuate these prejudices though our unintended actions and language.
An inclusive culture is where we want to be at. But for starters, we need to identify some problematic aspects about ourselves and the cultures we operate in, and stop to reflect and ultimately, course correct.
We can make a beginning with some basics to keep in mind while discussing sexual abuse.
Don’t blame the victim
While talking about sexual assault, if you find yourself talking about peripherals like what the victim was wearing, or if they were out at late night, whether they were intoxicated, or in a relationship with the perpetrator or judge their personal choices in life – STOP! before you go down that path. You are just using twisted logic to justify violence and cruelty that just cannot be justified.
As a society, we urgently need to shed our notions of an ‘ideal victim’ who is innocent, principled, well-dressed, better behaved, either virginal or conjugal. Survivors of gender violence who don’t confirm to the stereotypes of this ‘ideal victim’ are at the risk of having their trauma and pain weighed and disregarded against their ‘bad habits’ (smoking, drinking, going out alone and late at night, the nature of their clothes etc).
Always remember, it’s not the victim that needs to be questioned, shift your attention to the perpetrator.
The First Response is Empathy
Another reason why victim blaming is a global phenomenon is that people indulge in it to distance themselves from an unpleasant occurrence and thereby, confirm their own immunity to the risk. It’s reassurance for the onlooker- “I am not like them. So, this would never happen to me.”
In a society, country, and world where rape and sexual violence is disturbingly commonplace, your response should be empathetic. Extend your support to the victim and be an ally.
Don’t disregard the victim’s experiences
Sharing personal experiences can be difficult for one. Assertive statements like ‘I believe you’, ‘it’s not your fault’, ‘you are not alone’, ‘i am sorry this happened’, can console the victim. Listen to their experiences without any bias or judgment.
Using the right language
Rather than saying ‘A got raped’, we should frame the incident as ‘B raped A’. In discussing abuse we must be careful that the language surrounding domestic violence, rape, and sexual assault places the responsibility of the act on the abuser rather than the victim.
It’s not the victim’s fault. It is the perpetrator’s crime.
Trauma is not the Crime. It is the impact of crime.
The trauma of a victim of verbal sexual abuse is equally bonafide of the trauma of a victim of rape goes through. Gender violence not just a matter of physical pain but it is a violation of intimacy, personhood, and dignity.
The impact of gender violence is subjective. There may be no scars on the outside but that does not mean there is little or no suffering.
The dialogue around sexual abuse continues to gather steam and momentum. It is a critical moment where the way we talk, act and react to sexual abuse is very important. We should strive for a society where everyone feels comfortable sharing their experiences without any apprehension and fear of judgment.
ARTICLE WRITTEN BY: Sudipta Das
