A Long List of Disciplining Tips for Quarantine & Otherwise
Many parents are finding it hard to deal with having to find ways to entertain their children and their needs. Children are having a hard time because their routines are not typical and they have more of a struggle to understand why things are happening in the way that they are.
You might find that situations spiral and escalate and it causes frustration and you feel that your children are out of line almost all the time. So here is a list of 10 General Tips that parents can use for disciplining children during the lockdown followed by a more specialized list of age appropriate techniques.
Every child is different, so you may choose what works best for you.
1. Lower your expectations
These are unique times for everyone and it would be extremely helpful if as parents we lower our own expectations on ourselves in order to ensure that we don’t feel the pressure & don’t put too much pressure on our children.
2. Ensure you have Support
It can be hard for single parents or women alone to look after the children all the time. When children sense their parent’s need for space they can become clingier. It is important to ensure that you have enough support from your family when your child is badly behaved, or you feel frustrated with their behaviour. The only way to ensure that you can be a gentle parent is to ensure you first take care of your emotional needs.
3. No Spanking
In a country like India spanking & corporal punishment in home & schools is almost like second nature. It is hard to find and accept alternative ways of disciplining when we ourselves have been subjected to corporal punishment. Many parents believe that “we turned out okay” so it is okay to hit children once in a while. It is important to note that not only is corporal punishment looked down upon in many societies across the world, it is also illegal. Check out this simple 8 way to discipline your child without spanking
4. Make children part of the solution
Kids really like to be involved in solutions. So if you can ask them how they want to play, what activities they want to do and provide an environment that is especially for those activities – they find it special. Get them involved as part of the team that finds solutions, this should ensure that they behave well and do so voluntarily.
5. Create Realistic Boundaries
Talk with your children as part of a family meeting and create a realistic routine together. Also create realistic boundaries that they can respect during the lockdown. Have things to look forward to as a family after other activities have been done – this helps children know that there are contact points throughout the day – which might help reduce their stress.
6. Focus on Grounding Exercises
Children are extremely energetic & some of them can find it hard regulating their energies. Rhythmic activities such as walking in the house, jumping in one place, dancing can center children and help regulate their emotions. You can also use games that encourage mindfulness among children: for e.g. tell me three things in this room that are blue, how many fans do we have in the house?
7. Try using the ‘AND’ disciplining method
When you are finding your the child difficult to handle, try the ‘AND’ method.
A = asking them what’s happening. If they have difficulty in responding to this then you can speak for them – “I see that ‘this’ is happening and I am wondering how we can do this differently”.
N = negotiate. Ask them for ideas of how ‘this can be done differently’. Or you can provide them with some ideas.
D = do put a consequence – if things don’t go well or if they start back up again. It doesn’t need to be harsh, the consequence may just be taking time out from each other until the child calms down and is again ready to play & hangout.
8. Be considerate to your teenagers
You might find your teenagers missing their peers and friends. This could be a tough time for your teenager since their brains are going through incredible changes and they are focused on peer acceptance and hanging out. Lot’s of empathy and recognising that what they are feeling is very normal will be key. Sit with them and look for solutions. Help them see that while in quaratine they are contributing to the success of what is happening. Help them see that it is a sacrifice as something they are doing not just for themselves but also others and their family. Normalise their feelings. When teenagers feel heard their defences reduce and they feel validated. Give lots of feedback when your teenager participates in the family and contributes in a productive way.
9. Follow Gentle Parenting
Gentle Parenting is parenting with respect, empathy and understanding. It is not permissive parenting. The Facebook group Gentle Parenting India is a peer-to-peer support group which means that everyone participates and shares their experiences. There are no experts on Gentle Parenting –everyone learns as they go.
10. Remember this is a phase
There could be times when all your techniques fail and nothing seems to be going your way. This is the time to remind yourself that this lockdown is just a phase and we will all get through it. It is but natural that your child is going through a tough phase too and probably there may be nothing much you could do about it. Accepting that this too will pass can help reduce your anxiety.
Special Tips for Disciplining Toddler, Pre-Schoolers & Primary School Children:
Provide Physical Guidance: Showing is much more effective than telling your child what to do, so use hand-over-hand guidance to teach your child new skills. e.g. hold the glass tightly (show them how to hold it), touch the plants gently (show them how to touch)
Remove Your Child From the Situation: Sometimes, little ones just aren’t up for the task at hand and trying to force it to happen isn’t likely to turn out well. e.g. you child is throwing a huge tantrum while you are combing his/her hair. Don’t force, let go.
Praise Good Behavior: It’s important to catch your child being good. Praise them for playing quietly, trying to dress themselves, or picking up their toys. They will be motivated to keep up the good work when they know you’re paying attention.e.g. “Thank you for putting your dish in the sink.” “You are the best girl in the world.”
Ignore Mild Misbehaviour: Toddlers often exhibit attention-seeking behavior. Tantrums, whining, and screaming can often get worse if you pay too much attention. So best is to purposely ignore & pretend as if you are not hearing. As soon as your child stops misbehaving, you can start paying attention again. You might say something like, “Oh you’re quiet now. That means you are ready to play. “However if the child is misbehaving because they are hungry or tired or sleepy, ignoring them won’t solve the issue. So address the root cause of the tantrum & be attentive to the cues to avoid future meltdowns.
Use Timeouts and help them self regulate emotions: When implemented correctly, time-out removes positive reinforcement. It gives a child a few minutes away from a stimulating environment. So ask them to sit on a chair, or go to a corner of the room if the child is misbehaving. Be kind to the child, but be assertive. Time-out is a skill that children can use throughout their lives. Even as an adult, knowing how to step away when you’re feeling overwhelmed can be helpful.
Take Away Privileges: If your preschooler refuses to go to time-out or the offense isn’t worthy of a few minutes away from the action, try removing those privileges. Take away a favorite toy, game, or TV privileges for the rest of the day. Be gentle and kind, but be assertive.
Create a Reward System: If your child is struggling with a specific behavior, like staying awake till late at night night, create a sticker chart. Then, tell them once they earn a certain amount of stickers (like three or five), he can get a bigger reward, like picking a special movie to watch. Reward systems can slowly be phased out after your child has learned the skills they need to meet their goals.
Use ‘Grandma’s Rule of Discipline’: A subtle change in the way you word your phrases turn a consequence into a reward. Rather than saying, “You can’t watch TV because your room is a mess,” say, “You can watch TV as soon as your room is clean.” Then, your child will learn she can earn privileges by making good choices.
Provide Logical Consequences: Use consequences that are directly related to your child’s offense. If your child refuses to get off the computer when you tell her to do so, take away her computer privileges for 24 hours. Make sure you both agree on this rule beforehand.
Allow for Natural Consequences that are safe: Let your child face the consequences of her choices when it’s safe to do so. Allow a 7-year-old child to cheat at a game with their brother. The natural consequence is that the brother won’t play with the child anymore. If your 6 year old wants to wear a full shirt in summers, let him do so, once he feels hot he will take it off.
Special Tips for Disciplining Tweens & Teens
Create a behavior contract: A behavior contract outlines what she needs to do to earn and keep extra privileges. If she wants a smartphone, explain how she could show you when she’s ready for that responsibility. Write down the behaviors you’d need to see from her, such as getting her chores done on time and putting away her other things without arguing.
Take away privileges: When your child misbehaves, remove a meaningful privilege. Take away electronics for 24 hours or don’t allow her to watch TV. Be kind, Be Gentle, but be assertive. Removing those privileges maintains your authority and sends a message that privileges must be earned.
Reward good behavior: A simple reward system can be key to helping your child stay motivated. Give her an allowance for doing her chores or let her watch 30 mins of extra TV if she does her homework on time. Or, create a token economy system that helps her practice new behaviors.
Provide pre-teaching: It’s likely your 11-year-old will start doing more things on her own. Before you send her into new situations, talk about the rules and your expectations. Spend some time reviewing how she might handle specific problems that could arise.
Engage in problem-solving: Rather than tell your child what to do, problem-solve with her. Point out a problem and ask for her input by saying, “You keep forgetting to put your clothes in the cupboard unless reminded. What can we do so you’ll remember?” If she weighs in on the possible solutions, she’ll likely be more motivated to improve her behaviour.
Allow for natural consequences: Step aside and let your child make some mistakes as long it is safe. Allow her to face the natural consequences of her behavior. So rather than remind her repeatedly to pack a snack for school, let her forget it one day. Missing out on a snack and feeling hungry might help her remember to pack a snack the next time.
Remove electronics: From smartphones to laptops, screen time is important to most teenagers. Restricting your teen’s phone privileges can be an effective consequence if they misbehave. Just make sure it’s time-limited. Usually, 24 hours is long enough to send a clear message to your teen.
Provide logical consequences: If your teen breaks something, make him pay to fix it from their pocket money. Create consequences that are directly tied to the poor choices your teen mad.
Assign extra responsibilities: Give them additional responsibilities and tell them that until he completes extra chores or performs certain tasks they won’t get their privileges. When he shows you he can be responsible, he can earn his privileges back.
Source:
Very Well Family’s Child Development Review
A therapist’s advice on how to handle discipline and child behaviour during lockdown
Stop it! Just Stop it! – Nine Alternatives to Yelling
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